Well folks, I turned 65 this year. Many of my friends have already passed this milestone, and increasingly, our conversations turn to the challenges of the aging process. I’m reminded of the saying, “You know you’re old when you stop asking your friends how they’re doing unless you’ve got a lot of time on your hands!”
But I wanted more than humor (although I fully embrace its power in difficult circumstances!) I wanted the Wisdom Teachings. No matter how much we exercise or eat broccoli, or undergo plastic surgeries — our bodies age and die. I trust that each phase of life has its particular gifts, and I wanted to find them for the last third of life. I searched internet sites, ordered books, listened to talks, and had innumerable conversations with people who are at various points along the aging road. I learned a lot, some of which I will share with you:
People are terrified of aging. I’d never really thought much about this but there it was, in myself and others. We’re afraid of debility, pain, memory loss; we’re afraid financially, we’re afraid of scary diagnoses — cancer, stroke, Alzheimer’s, etc. Aging involves tremendous amounts of loss — of loved ones, of beauty and prowess, of social worth, of sexuality, of mental acuity. Older people often have to leave their homes and communities; they have to adjust their lifestyle to less income and inability to care for themselves, they feel invisible and often worthless. A woman said to me, “No one looks at me and sees the amazing life I’ve had. They just see a little old lady”.
We live in a culture that does not value aging and endlessly brainwashes us into thinking that we must somehow continue to look young. I got really angry about this one as I did my research. Why are we not allowed to physically age — to have wrinkles and gray hair, to have a body that changes shape, skin that shows our years? The cosmetic, fitness and surgical industries make billions from these attitudes and our — ultimately fruitless — efforts to obey. We live in a culture that “values people in terms of their products, their achievements, and their ability to consume, instead of for cultivating the quality of their being” (Ram Dass).
We have a ton of denial. I encountered ad copy like, “You’re not getting older, you’re getting better”. Or, just the other day, a catalog proclaimed, “you’re not older, you’re bolder!” To which my response was B#%$SH#T! I may be getting better and bolder in some ways (I can only hope so . . . ) but I most assuredly am also getting older and so are the persons who wrote those ads! People will “compliment” you by telling you that you don’t look your age. Why is it not ok to look our age? Many people arrive at retirement age without savings or IRAs, perhaps because of financial circumstances, but also because they simply were in denial about the realities of aging.
Aging is often accompanied by an increased level of physical self-absorption. As a health provider, this one is disturbing — if understandable — to me. Happy people don’t spend all their time thinking and talking about their ailments, aches or pains. And yet we all have experienced the older person who simply can’t talk about anything else — their world has shrunk to the unpleasant experience of being in a body. How do we confront the humiliations and pains of the aging body — and still maintain a vital interest in life? How do we remain interested in others/ideas/events when our daily life revolves around medical appointments, medications, and pain management? These are questions we must ask with great honesty if we wish to live until we die rather than dying before we’re dead.
Where to look for meaning and direction as we enter our final decades? As a practitioner of Traditional Chinese Medicine, one of the first places I always look is to Nature. The cycles of nature give an intuitive, innate meaning to aging. The cycles of a human life are much longer than one planetary trip around the sun, but the metaphor holds: autumn and winter must come with their purposes and beauty. I strongly suggest meditation/contemplation on these cycles. We are not meant to “forever young” physically and it’s important to make peace with this. Life cannot exist without death and each of us is part of that relationship.
Look for elders who are living meaningful lives. You may already have one in your life. If you don’t, look for public figures: Jane Goodall, Desmond Tutu, the Dalai Lama, Jimmy Carter. These are people of advanced age who have remained involved and passionate. Certainly there are many more in all walks of life. Talk with them (if you know them), ask questions, listen to lectures, read their books. These people are our guides and we can learn much from them.
Can you find a place to stand in relation to change where you are not frightened by it? This is ultimately a spiritual question that can only have a spiritual answer that each of us must find in our own way. There is no external security — bank accounts, family members, vitamins — that can fend off the changes of the last years of life. To me, this is a Homework Assignment that we each must complete. When you are at peace, you get an A. If you’re a worrier, you’re flunking and need to keep at it. Talk with friends, write a journal, see your spiritual advisors, get on the internet (Ted Talks!), but don’t live in fear and denial.
I’m aware that I have given more questions than answers in this article because at present that’s how I feel about the process of aging. The following is a string of quotes from Polishing the Mirror, by Ram Dass. He is an old and wise warrior and I found his writings on aging to be some of the best. These are for your contemplation and discussion.
Much of the suffering of aging comes from holding onto those memories of who we used to be.
The nature of aging has to do with change. Old age trains you for change — change in your body, change in memory, change in your relationships, change in energy, change in your family and social role — all leading to death, which is the big change of our lives.
Use the new uncertainty and negative feelings about aging as a wake-up call. Have compassion for yourself and allow yourself to open to the changes, and all the rest will follow.
Give yourself the opportunity to grieve — for the end of dreams, the end of childhood, for all the people that go away, for all the sorrow of parting.
The only real preparation for death is the moment-to-moment process of life.
And my favorite, which I may frame and hang in my office: Curing a disease of the body is not always an option, but healing from the soul level is always possible.
In health and happiness in all stages of life,
Lynn LLoyd, L.Ac.